My life wears bigger shoes than I do.

I should be studying right now. Or I should be sleeping. Or maybe both. Sometimes I get the feeling that I am a part of my life in the same way that I am a part of a roller coaster. I know that without "me" I have no "life", but I feel about as in control of the whole thing as I do in the afore mentioned coaster. Especially since, regardless of where I sit in my life, it seems to have way too many twists and turns, up and downs, and vomiting. Way too much vomiting.

I can always seem to see a point where I will have more control over my life. I have goals and plans, and I control them. But when I get to that part of my life directly affected by those goals, they seem to want to run off of the tracks that I have so carefully laid. Usually into the water. Is it because the plans are in a vaccuum? That whole, "plans of mice and men often go awry" stuff? (Which begs the question: Are all of the other animals better planners?)

Is it the planning that leaves me with a detached feel for the present? I feel like I am just going through the motions because the things I am doing now are only stepping stones to get me to newer and better stepping stones. Is it because I have not gotten into any kind of rhythm? Will I ever? Does anyone? Have I deluded myself into thinking that there will be a time when I have everything figured out? I hope not.

I mean, I have this really nice dream where I understand everything and everyone. I am honestly not that far from this dream. Admittedly, I am still missing the throne, the crown, and all the other trappings that my royal self so richely deserves. Oh, and the scepter. That is the important part.