You control your level of involvement

The things that we do in our lives, the decisions we make, color the rest of our lives forever. No matter how small, no matter how big, they will always affect us. I have made good decisions and I have made bad ones. I do not think that there is a way to find out whether or not they have balanced out, other than to say that I am happy with who I am, with my life in general. The challenge seems to be making all of them, good or bad, affect my life going forward in a positive manner. I suppose that as long as I have learned from my mistakes, my bad decisions, that I can avoid the problems that those choices led to. I suppose that as long as I have learned from my good decisions (which seems to be harder than learning from the bad ones) than I can repeat them.

The most important part of this seems to be making a decision at all. Whether we realize it or not, when we do not make a choice we are actually choosing to avoid it all. Which is a choice in itself, and not the best one. I feel like I chose to avoid life for a long time, as if I was scared of it's myriad possibilities. Scared of the scale of it. I hid behind my bad decisions, let them be what my life was about, let them be who I was.

I do not think that I am scared of life any longer. My life is what I choose it to be. I control my life simply because that is what I want. I will continue to make choices, good and bad, and will continue to learn from them. I will be the person that I want to be.

*Because it bears repeating, I wanted to thank my family that are friends, and my friends that are family. You have been with me while I have taken the long time to decide on living life. I will always appreciate it.*