By a round of applause, how are you feeling?

Time is the only thing that you cannot put an actual price on. We try. We pay for things by the hour, day, week or month and get paid for the same amount of time. It is not real though. You cannot get that time, those moments back. Lost forever, and all we get is X dollars per hour. The greatest gift that we can ever give anyone, or get from anyone is time. There is no way to put a price tag on the time that someone gives us. Maybe the most important decision that we make everyday, ever minute, is how we spend that time? Who we spend it with? Too often we take for granted this simple, basic idea. Apply this idea to the material things that we give each other and it changes them. It's not just a sweater that your mother gives you; it is the time it took to earn that money, the time to shop for it, wrap it and give it to you. When we use that cliche about it being the thought that counts, it really is. Our lives are defined by how we choose to spend out time. Do not ever doubt that it is a choice. Every minute of every day. And so we try to cram in as much as possible into every minute. Then again, is there a right way or wrong way to spend out time? I guess we all decide that for ourselves, and probably only have issues when we let other people define what is and isn't a waste of our time.

For me, I regret none of the time that I have spent with my family, with my friends, any of the time that I spent laughing, dancing and enjoying life. I only regret one thing; all of the time that I have spent making my bed. I swear, how much time do I lose making it every morning? It just gets messy again. Every single day. Fuckin' bed.

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

There is a cost for everything that we do, a consequence for every single decision. Even the smallest looking of decisions can lead to major changes. Something as small as a smile can lead to something much bigger, or cause problems for something that is already there. The problem comes in when we worry about every single one of our decisions. When we spend more time worrying about the effect of our decisions instead of deciding on something. We miss opportunities, things pass us by. There are consequences and costs for not making decisions, and they tend to be worse than those for making the wrong decision. Fortune does not favor those that do nothing, that sit on their hands. This is a hard lesson to learn, as I have only learned it slowly and painfully. I now have to actually decide to trust people, as in the past I trusted too soon and without thought. Hurt too often and on too regular a basis, my trust is not doled out as easily. Which means I come across all understanding and nice, and in fact I am just waiting for my inner voice to be proven right. A self-fulfilling prophecy, I understand, but I tend to be right. I tend to right about everything, but especially about these things.

Funny enough, the person I seem to trust the least is myself.

A tasty kharmic filling

The world is a much brighter place than it seems on a regular basis. A much busier and complicated place than we seem to think. We have this idea that we can, or even need to understand the world around us. Maybe we should spend time trying to understand ourselves? Maybe a little reflection on me? We all want people to focus on us, to figure us out and we complain when no one can or does. How can we expect someone to do that when we can't? Especially when we are too scared to talk about any of the things that we actually want to know, or want people to know about us. If we realized that we are all that scared, no matter the mask we put on it, maybe we could get things straight. Maybe make some progress. Toward what, I have no idea. I'm just as confused and scared as everyone else. I have as bad a problem with telling people the things I want them to hear, just as scared about taking risks with people. The most confusing thing in the world seems to be my life. Or maybe it's life in general.

No, upon further review it is definitely my life. I mean, I totally understand everyone else's.

Everybody wants to ride Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Why the hell do we try to make everything in our lives so complicated? As if the harder it is, the better our lives will seem when explained to others. I mean, we all basically want the same things. We just define those things differently, which I suppose is the biggest problem. As an example, we all want to be happy. Which is obviously going to be something different for every single person in the world. I mean, I'm pretty easy. I would be happy with a lot less than I have materially, as long as I had my family and friends. Does the problem arise when we use other people's definition of happiness? Is that where the "I can't settle" attitude comes from? Why can't we be happy with the things that we have. I understand, and have no problems with trying to get/wanting more. On the other hand, if the pursuit of those things is making us forget what we already have, than what is the reason for it? If you can't be happy on the path, than why the fuck take the trip in the first place? You know, I don't know a single person that I call a friend that shouldn't consider themselves "blessed" for the things that they have, that most of them take for granted. In fact, most people take the best things in their life for granted. As stated earlier, I get trying for and wanting more. I just don't get how that pursuit should ever replace what we already have.

I suppose it won't kill me, but it sucks all the same.

I am having to relearn patience. Or maybe, I am learning to be patient for the first time. I felt that for so long I had to put what I wanted behind what I needed. I had to keep my head down, work toward my goals and not stray from the path I had set myself. Now that I have attained most of those goals, and all I have left are the things that I actually want to get done, want to do, want to experience, I am antsy. Fidgety. I don't want to wait for them anymore. And It's not as if the goals that I have left are small or even remotely easy. I am going to have to work harder at these than I did on my other goals. They are just more rewarding, because I want to do them. It's not the "I have to do this to get where I want to be".

There is also the possibility that I'm nervous because I have not been in this position before. For a good portion of my life, I did not try new things, did not stray from my comfort zone. All of these things that are going on in my life are new. I guess if I was to be honest they all scare the crap out of me, and having to wait for these things is quickly driving me insane. It could also be that I was eaten alive by bugs this weekend.

Screw this, I'm going to go get some donuts and something for these bites. I hate bugs. Especially ants and those creepy potato bug things. Ugh.