How strong am I if one little thing can destroy any semblance of reason and order in my life? If one conversation, one event, one person can destroy the tenuous control that I exert on my day, my life... Well how in control was I to begin with? I mean, who the hell is running this show! How easy it seems to give up and wallow in the chaos caused when the unexpected occurs. I mean, I expect the unexpected. Plan for it as much as possible, part boy scout, part realist, mostly just full of crap though. There is no way to expect all of the events that could happen to you in any given day. I guess you only have control over how you react to the unexpected.
The total chaos part seems to happen more often when the event that derails me involves someone that is an important part of my life. Or was an important part of my life. Or impacted my life in ways that I am still realizing. We give a part of ourselves to everyone in our lives, some more, some less. I do not know if in giving of ourselves, we lose some of the control we have on our life. The more we let someone into our life, the more they can then exert their own control on it. How do you get it back? How do you get back what you give away?
What do you do when one of the eventualities that you had planned for happens, and you are stuck just watching? Just sitting on the outside, left trying to figure out where you missed another chance. I figure that it is not actually worth worrying that much about. I know that I tend to blame myself for far to many of the "setbacks" that I suffer in my life. I suppose the I should remember that the events and people in my life only have the importance that I give to them. The level of importance can change, and often does.
I somehow forget that people actually decide things without my input, without me in mind, and most of the time without even thinking of me. Which is fine. I am only one person. One fine, fine person.
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